really. did that all happen? was I that young girl so afraid and so alone all those years ago? Lord, You must be amazing to have brought me to where I am now! I can't explain how it is that I am different and yet somewhat still the same. All I know is that You heard my prayers, and You answered them in the way You knew was best for my heart. I am where I am today because You love me and stuck with me through that difficult year. Thank You. I love You. That's all I can say.

What's the next step? Who do I feel called to be with? Where am I called? What am I called to do? stress, confusion, mayhem (ok, maybe not mayhem). but I'm tired of it Lord. It's been keeping me from thinking about things that I should really be focusing on. Like You. Like why I was confused by the speaker at the last training block. Like what am I going to take away from what I've learned today. I can't get my mind out of missing people, people back at home, who I'm aching to see again, people here, who I look at from across the room and with a small ache know that I will be so incredibly homesick for them in just a few months' time. I'm tired of worrying about work, school, boiler rooms, community, and where the heck am I going to live this summer. I want to stop that for a bit. can we focus on the bigger things, things like why the session on Your kingdom thouroughly confused me, and what am I taking away from this that I will be able to talk about to my kids back home at Flood. I want to take time to just think about what I believe about You, why I'm doing this whole Christian without religion thing, and how I want You to be the center, the focus, the reason behind and the driving force to all that I do in the future, tomorrow, in the next hour. Honestly, I just want to spend time with You. Can it be just You and me, here, now?

wow, has it really been that long since i've posted?! the funny thing is, it's now an almost completely different person that writes this post than the author of the previous blogs. it amazes me to read the posts of the last year and i wonder where that girl disappeared to. part of her was lost on an adventurous quest in alaska, the rest of her vanished in a thick english fog. now i sit at the computer in a freezing cold building on my own, wondering where life will take me next. should i stay? or should i go? and where do i mean when i say stay? stay in merry ole england-working at the reading boiler room, even if they didn't have a building, just to be with the people. or stay in kansas city, finishing that one last semester of uni, working, living with friends, bringing what i've learned to my community and hopefully changing the church's mind about social justice issues. it doesn't help that i want to do both, or that God's said He'd back me whatever route i choose. what i wish is that i could briefly go back home, if just for a few days, only to reaquaint myself with american culture, my hometown, my friends. most of my desire to stay here is because i've been here for so long. it feels like home, these people here are my family. what i have to realize is that it won't be the same if i came back. the same people won't be here, all my housemates would have gone home to nottingham, australia, germany, canada, and the other side of slough. three people i know from transit will actually still be in reading come the beginning of june. but why do i still want to come back? what is it that makes me afraid of getting off of that plane in june and meeting the people i've come to call family? it's change, i guess. the fear of walking into the unknown with the intent of setting up camp for a long time. stepping into the dark knowing that somewhere in front of you is a cliff and you have to trust your Protector and Provider to catch you and make the way straight for you. That is why i fear Kansas City. that's why i probably have to go back.

Life is like a tapestry. Each of the threads in our tapestry are like an individual lessons that we learn, experiences we go through, relationships that we form. In the beginning, we were made to be beautifully perfect carpets, but because of the fall, we've had some threads woven in that aren't supposed to be there. Grief, abuse, pride, anger, hunger, loneliness, fear....the list goes on.

When realize we're messed up, we try to re-weave our tapestry, to horrible conclusions. Some of us will then try to fix what they messed up causing further problems; others will realize they can't fix it and give it to the One who wove it together in the first place. The Great Weaver then takes the mass of threads that have seemed to get themselves all knotted together and proceeds to painstakingly unravel the mess we created and gently restores the tapestry to its intended state of beauty.

Sometimes we watch how He does it and try to fix a spot just like He did, only it doesn't work out exactly as it should. But because of our pride (a thread that we haven't let Him pull out yet), we won't admit that we missed a few stiches and deny Him the right to re-weave it. It isn't until we slowly let Him have exclusive rights to fix it that the Weaver can go back to those stitches and pull them out again to be re-woven correctly. These stitches can be things we mis-learn as children from our parents or from our peers or from even our churches; fundamental ideas of love, humility, kindness, theology, faith, belief, trust, truth...all are needed threads in our tapestry, but we and others twist in some false ideas that marr the tapestry with shadow or leave out necessary bits of color that leave something missing in the brilliance of the design.

These are the stiches that hurt the most when they are pulled. Sometimes it seems as if the Weaver is pulling out the important cross stiches that hold the entire tapestry together, and we wonder if we won't end up as a pile of yarn and thread that has no meaning whatsoever. We question the skill of the Weaver, and wonder if the Weaver knew what He was doing when the thread was woven, forgetting how we (or other people) were the ones to mis-weave it in the first place. But as the pain of the first pulled threads subsides, we listen to the Weaver explain that what we had been taught was tainted by humanity, and He needed to pull the thread out to wash it with His love and truth before putting it back in it's correct place. And it somehow makes us fall more in love with Him and we can dare to ask Him to continue pulling and re-weaving.

READ ME FIRST!!!

Well, I really don't need to write out anything. I figure that there are people I just gave this address to that need some explaination for when they first come on.

First off...congratulations! you are one of the first people to read this site!! I think. at least no one has left comments except spammers.
Secondly...this might be a little confusing, but don't start reading this blog by reading the post directly under this. it would make no sense whatsoever. start at the bottom and work your way up.
Thirdly...This blog has been pretty much a second journal for me through the past eight months, which would explain some gaps in the logic (an entry from my actual journal would make more sense sometimes in between entries). But it explains a lot about my journey with God from April till now, and involves a lot about how I got to England.

I want you guys to be able to read it, because a lot of the time what I'm really feeling comes out easier on paper/post than it does in person. So some of the posts that are from after I arrived might be a bit surprising, because I didn't let many people know what I was feeling (something I hope to change if this community thing is going to work at all). Hopefully I can continue to post things that are real and really on my heart without worrying that so-and-so will read it. I want to be real with you guys. so please have patience with me if I stutter and stumble with my out-loud words, but keep asking me how my heart is doing. I write on here because I don't know how to approach people and say what's going on. Not quite used to it yet. But I want to get better at it, cause I love you guys and want to grow closer to you all. Don't be afraid to ask me questions about certain posts (I'll check to see if anyone has posted on the previous ones, or you could ask me in person!) And if no one reads this, God does and knows my heart. May He help me open up with my voice and not my fingers.

Here is a bit of home, the little bit of woods I have within walking distance to disappear in for a few moments as I walk to and from the boiler room every day. Was absolutely beautiful at the end of summer...very green and mysterious. Now I'm getting the wonderful array of colors that comes with fall, accompanied by the crunch of leaves under my feet. I love the fall. There is something intrinsically redeeming about it. The whole process of the leaves changing their color is not that they are losing their natural green tint, but they are shedding the sun-fed camoflauge of summer to reveal their true brilliance. Yes, they soon fall off and die, but only to allow the new leaves of the spring to emerge and bring a new beauty to the world.

prayer

what is it? I don't know exactly. some people could call it a psychic connection with a higher power, others could call it a back-up plan when you've really screwed it up. me, I like to think prayer is simply a simple way of ruining your life. see, a few weeks ago, I thought I knew everything about God. oh, not everything of course, but the few things I did know about Him I thought I had down pat. but then I prayed. and my whole world came crashing down. everything I thought I knew about anything became obsolete. God...realized I don't know Him at all. friends...I moved halfway across the world and left behind all those I could share my heart with. family...let's not go there. myself......honestly, that's the one thing that has stayed the same, and has even grown a bit. see, all those posts below this one are written by a girl who hated herself and was in the process of discovering what it is like to let herself be loved. now a woman sits here and finds that ironically the one thing that she knows she can hold onto is the truth that she is loved, that she is worth loving, and that she is beautiful. other than that, all else is mass confusion.

see, I thought I knew God, but something in me wanted to know more. foolishly, I prayed, and asked God to show me who He knows He really is. big mistake. all that I once held onto relating to the character of God was taken away, like a soft, comfortable carpet being ripped out from under my feet. my Abba, the One I ran to for comfort and love, was taken away by Someone who wants to be known as Daddy, and my damaged, human heart couldn't cope with that word. so it ran from it's "Security Blanket", only to realize that there was nothing else familiar to find comfort in. I was in a foreign land, with strange housemates, and little contact with all that I called 'home', and that restricted by my friend and mentor who discerned that though I had stepped off the plane a month previous, I still hadn't left Kansas City. When wanting to go back to my comfortable Abba, I discovered that it was wrong of me in the first place to suppose that I could box up God in a pretty package and only take Him out when I needed comfort or when I needed guidance or when I needed a friend. Yes, God is Abba, He is there when I need comfort and guidance and a friend. but that is not all that He is. He is more than that. And I'm only just beginning to discover how much more He is.

we had two days of training last week that were focused on the character of God. in one session, each of us were given a specific attribute of God to think about. I had "God is my defender". took a while to realize I needed someone to defend me...I would have rather taken the sword up and fight for myself than sit idly by with what seemed like a weak defence (I was told to hold up an umbrella while Sammie chucked paper wads at me...at first I wanted to pick up the broadsword that Jude had put up there, and then tried to swat at the paper using the umbrella as a bat, which without the option of swinging the sword was tons better than simply standing there holding an open umbrella against the pitiful onslaught).

but later on I realized that God is a strong God, that He is more than capable to defend me, and that He longs to be my Protector and my Shield. I had to get over the misconception that being a woman means being weak and that being weak is bad. it's not bad. it actually feels wonderful, knowing that there is Someone who loves me so much He's defending me from all of the arrows I can't fend off. He won't abandon me. He longs to parent me, in the way my parents should have. He chose me. He loves me. He made me just the way I am. I do not have to perform to be loved or needed; I am loved just for who I am, and people need me to simply be me. God is my Defender. and I think that is an aspect of God the Daddy that I need to relearn.

I think I like being a woman. there's something that feels...right, safe, whole in letting someone love me and defend me, even if I can't see Him or feel His touch. He asked me last night that if I could have anything at all by next year, what would I choose. I started asking for the typical things, like wisdom, knowledge of who He really is, a heart for justice...but my heart wasn't really in those things and I figured that He wanted to teach me all that this year anyway. what I really wanted to ask for was to have a relationship with a man, maybe even have a fiance or husband by next october; to know the feeling of being wholely cherished and loved by a man simply because I am me....but something in me knew I'm not quite ready for it yet. I still have trouble accepting love. Yes, I'm getting better at it, but something in my heart still blocks the truth from sinking deep down into the hurt places of my soul. It would be wrong to try and enter a relationship without being able to truly "love, and be loved in return". It wouldn't be fair to my man or to me. So I asked that God would take away the things that are blocking my heart from receiving love, and that He would take away the things that are blocking my heart from giving out love. I need to know the Love that surpasses all understanding. I want Him to be my first love, to have that sure and strong foundation before entering into a relationship of love with a man. I might have just negated any option of a date or a marriage for a few more years, but I think my future husband will agree that this needed to get done first. And I know that God has everything planned out just right in my fairy tale. I will continue to pray that God sends me my prince charming at just the right time, and if it is by this time next year, what a fun prophetic post this will be to look back on! in any case, I still trust in God. although all of my former ideas about Him are being shaken, yet will I trust in Him. Who else have I to go to? for there is none other that is higher than my God.

I'm 22 today. Don't all birthday posts start like that? I guess there's so much said in that one sentence that it's simply enough. 22 years. A miracle for some. A tough journey, an amazing story, a life-long testimony of God's grace and glory. I've come a long way in such a short amount of time. It's all God though. With a smattering of my free will mixed in, I guess.

Today is a bit mellow, though. Maybe even melencholy. My housemates surprised me with presents (even though it was all food items...love them tons!). But I'm missing home. I honestly feel like there's no one here who knows me enough to know what I would love to do for my birthday, and I don't know how to tell them I would rather just spend it alone. What is the deal with birthdays that people automatically assume that something special must be done on them, like having a party, or going out and doing something fun with everyone you know? I would like to spend time with my housemates today (might even go clubbing..wild woman that I am). But a big part of me would also love to spend today with my "family" at church, and because they're not here (or I'm not there), I'd just rather spend the day alone with my thoughts. Honestly, the day so far hasn't been that great. Got a letter in the mail from my parents, but it was only stuff from my student loan agency telling me I have to start paying off my loans next month. Not something I want to deal with on my birthday. Although I did get an email from my mom saying I have more money in the bank than I thought I did. Wonderful birthday conversation. I feel loved. (the absence of any emotion in these last two sentences should be noted, as well as a hint of sarcasm). So I'm not going to deal with any parent stuff at all today. Thankfully, they don't have my number (or the right one to call), and even if they did I wouldn't have to answer it.
But I do hope that my church family calls. I'll talk with the kids tonight (they're having a party, they just don't know it's for me. jk, rather cheeky of me), and I'll try calling my grandparents. But what I would adore is if my "family" called here. I love my housemates, but they don't really know me all that well yet, and so wouldn't know how to bless me in the way that I feel most loved. Not that my "family" does either, but they know me better and are closer to me than these guys here are yet. But that will change. Please, Lord, let it change.

Well, I'm in England. and it's awesome. I met with my mentor, Lorraine, yesterday and we talked about what we both want out of this whole mentoring deal. I pretty much told her that anything and everything goes. I told her a bit about the past six months and how things have changed a ton for me, and how most of it revolved around people getting into my corner and challenging me to get out. And I realized how much of a blessing it's been. I really need people speaking into my life that I don't have to reciprocate (although with my friends I know that they appreciated it too). I don't have to make up for somone listening to all my crap, they want to listen because they love me and know I needed someone to talk to. So I told Lorraine that I what I really, really want is just someone to talk with, to keep my Quest covenant with (I will be vulnerable about my feelings by asking someone if we could talk about it). someone who I know I can trust to speak truth into my life.

Lorraine said that I should figure out different ways I can communicate what I'm feeling. I told her that it's easier to put my feelings out onto paper, and better to talk with someone about it. She said that I have to find a different way to communicate my feelings each week. So today I'm spending my quiet time/prayer slot typing on my blog (it's a 24-7prayer week here in Reading and each of us Transiteers have to take up two hour slots, not many people have signed up, but they're not legalistic and need to have every slot filled, they're so flexible it's scary, late to everything).

How am I feeling? Alone. Angry. Bitter. Disappointed. Terrified. Lost.

Angry: someone yesterday prayed over me that I would know the feeling of my Daddy's arms around me. Daddy meaning God. but that's not my name for the Father. that's the name of the person who wasn't the father I needed him to be. so for my prayer slot yesterday I vented, sobbed, silently screamed in rage as I wrote out a letter to God about my unfulfilled longing for a father's arms.

Bitter: something in me won't let the feeling go. I want to...no check that, I don't want to. this hurts, and I like being angry. It almost feels good in a twisted sort of way. I can finally say that I'm worth enough to think that someone did something wrong against me. But I can't seem to let it go. I think my anger has trickled from my dad to my Dad. That's wrong, I know, but that's what I feel. I don't have a good view of God as my Dad. the Abba I thought I knew was just something that I built up to run to because I couldn't go to anything else. How wrong of me to put God in a box like that! but I'm not quite ready to see Him as He really is, as my Daddy.

Dissappointed: with my dad, with God, with myself. why didn't my dad love me the way I needed him too? why do I not feel safe in his hug? why do I cringe when he comes into a room to talk with me? It's not like he did anything bad. It was just his lack of doing anything. why couldn't God be physically there when I wanted Him to be? why when I cried heart-wrenching sobs at night alone on my knees at my bed, why couldn't He have physically been there for me to lean my head on His lap, to have Him pull me into His arms and cradle me like I've only been a few times? Why can't I let myself let go of this bitterness and let God in to love me as a Daddy? it's what I need, it's what I want. I know that me not doing this is hurting Him and me, and in some ways dad.

Terrified: to tell the truth, I'm terrified of letting God be my Dad. I'm terrified of feeling His hug, to feel Him physically hold me. One does not touch God. He isn't physically here, He isn't tangible, He is so much full of glory that I wouldn't be able to live in His presence, let alone stand to see His face and be held by Him. there's one tally mark for me hating myself. there's no way that He could want to hold me. and I think that if I did feel Him holding me, I would want to die, just so that I would never have to leave His embrace. and I'm afraid of feeling love. It's too much for my heart to cope with.

Lost: so now I'm afraid of and angry at God. who can I go to now that would comfort this Daddy-shaped ache in my soul? no one. I'm alone and starving for affection. will I never allow myself to be loved? will no one ever love me? Please, I don't know which of You Three I'm talking to, but help. please help.

I'M HOLDING MY PASSPORT WITH THE VISA STAMPED INSIDE!!!!! IT CAME IN TIME!!!!

I'M GOING TO ENGLAND IN TWO DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My heart is such a mixture of emotions. Shock at the fact that the money came in, that I'm going to England. Sadness at the fact that I'm starting to say goodbye to people I won't see again for 10 months. Excitement at the adventure that awaits me ten days from now. But the worst is the confusion. How does one who has tried to hide her existence, believing that she had no significance or worth, deal with the realization that so many people love her? My church loves me. People love me enough to give me $4,000 towards England. People love me enough to become extatic with joy at the news that I had been given that much. God loves me enough to have all this happen. I don't know what to do with all this. People love me? People notice me? It's what I've longed for, yet never hoped it could be true. There's something, I guess, in the back of everyone's mind that wonders if they would be missed by anyone if they left. Will anyone notice my absence? Has anyone even noticed my presence? How am I to be blessed as one who can say that I am loved enough to be missed by so many people?

I'M GOING TO ENGLAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, so last night was a bloody battle for my heart. I was trying to decide whether or not to go to this 70s/80s dance thing at church when one of my girls called and asked for a ride to it, which finalized my decision to go. So I get all dressed up for it in what I hoped looked 80s (I was seven when the decade ended, and very sheltered. I was surprised to even recognize some of the songs they played) and went hoping to be the cinderella of the ball. It worked last week. A different one of my girls had a birthday ball and I wore the same dress and they all flipped out on how "hot" I looked (when I would have just settled for "pretty") and couldn't stop complimenting me on it. It felt great. I felt great. I looked great. So I naturally thought that even though I didn't expect anyone to lavish praise on me (they'd all seen me in the dress already) I would feel great this week, "pretty, oh so pretty" as Liza Doolittle sang. So I get there with my hair done to the side in an 80s style (?), and with a blazer over my dress, and the girl I hold as having the most fashion sense in the world (ok, maybe just in my world), gives me the usual hug and says "oh, you look....nice." Didn't sound very thrilled. Which made me deflate a whole bunch. So I went through the rest of the night second guessing how I looked, and by the time I saw that the only people there were either 5-10 years younger or 5-10 years older than me and I barely knew any of them, the night just sucked. No one noticed me, no one talked with me, no one cared enough to force me to dance with everyone else, and no one noticed when I went outside and hid for an hour and a half. And I couldn't leave and end the misery to find comfort at the house or at starbucks, I had to bring Robbin home, and she was having such a good time I didn't want to take her home early. So I hid up in the youth balcony, and outside on the picnic table, and in my car. But it was one of those freak-out hidings. Some guys came out to their cars to leave, and I hunkered down in my car whispering "please don't let them see me!". I started the night out feeling beautiful and excited to be with my friends; I ended the night feeling ugly and so very out of place.
So on top of the continual battle for trust and the moment by moment surrender of my England fears, I went home last night and lay in bed fighting the lies of my plainness and undesireableness, and fighting to trust for my everyday expenses (the party took the last of my cash, and I have to keep telling myself it was for a good cause or else I'll call it just a waste). I felt so overwhelmed at the onslaught that all I could do was cry out for help. And I felt Jesus there. My mind was still frightened and panicked, but just knowing He was there eased my heart a bit. I'm so tired of fighting the same exact battle for my beauty. This will probably be something I need to talk out with others in Transit (if I go, or with my life group here if I don't). Right now the pivotal battle is for trust, but the enemy keeps attacking me from other angles to try and overwhelm me. The attack against my beauty. The attack from my family. The continual battle about my personal finances.

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Ephesians 6:10-14.

I am going to stand firm. No matter what the enemy lashes at me, I will stand. I may not be able fight back, but standing firm is, in a way, fighting. It's fighting to believe that the Rock on which I stand will not be moved. It's fighting to believe that my King is a warrior who is fighting for my heart. It's fighting to not give in to the lies that have crippled me in the past and threaten to again. I will not be crippled again. I will put on the truth of who I am and who He is to hold me up. I will protect my heart with righteousness-it was said that Abraham believed that God was faithful to be true to His promises and it was credited to Abraham as righteousness...I'm gonna trust, and hopefully that's the same thing. I will be ready with the peace that comes with trusting His goodness. My shield of faith is small, but growing, and I know my Savior, my Redeemer is there for me, and He's been reminding me of the truth of His Word almost every day. I am going to stand firm.

I think I'm winning.

I feel strong in a way that can only be God. It has to be, because I know that when I'm not tapping into His strength I feel like freaking out. But there are moments that are turning into minutes when I can force myself to give over the worry and fear and anxiety to Jesus, and I feel as strong as... an oak tree. Don't know why exactly that analogy fits. I feel strong to the core of my being in the moments He's strong in me. I can stand tall and not fear. There's a song that's out by Kutless that goes: "You are my strong tower/ Shelter over me/ Beautiful and mighty/ Everlasting King/ You are my strong tower/ Fortress when I'm weak/ Your name is true and holy/ And Your face is all I seek." Although I would rather say "and Your heart is all I seek", cause that's what He longs to make known to His beloved. Most people can be strong physically and yet are weak in the deepest parts of their beings. I'm that way a lot. Put on a strong face(almost literally sometimes when I feel like crying in public, keep a stiff upper lip, ya know), don't let anyone know that you're a crumpled up mess, like I was last night. I haven't cried that hard in such a long time (or maybe it just sounded hard because it was echoing through the empty kitchen and living room of the empty house I'm staying in). Such a soul-wrenching cry, and one of the few times I actually wanted someone there to see my mess. But I can't think about what made me cry right now; that's a completely different issue to fight, and I do not have time to fight off the arrows coming from the annoying demons that plauge me. I'm in a crucial battle between the wills in my soul. The natural me wants to freak out and panic and drop the whole thing. But then my heart fights back to surrender it all to my Abba, and I know a strength that is not my own but feels so peaceful and secure. I think I'm winning. The outcome will be decided Sunday. I'm sure there will still be little skirmishes after Sunday, and aftermath clean up. I'm not even sure what the outcome will look like, and after this week I know not to expect the expected.

Me: Can we talk?
God: What's up?
Me: I'm really, really nervous about Sunday.
God: I know.
Me: I don't know what to hope for. If I get the money and can go, I mean that would be a really, really cool story to tell others about Your faithfulness and how You came through. And I would get to go to Transit and work on opening my heart and learning more about You and living a lifestyle of prayer and being vulnerable with a community that doesn't have any pre-conceived notions about me. And there's the fact that it's in England.
God: You aren't really excited about that yet, are you?
Me: Not really. It actually brings a little anxiousness when I think about it. The currency change, the culture shock, being away from my friends and church family. I haven't even left yet, or even know if I'm going, and I'm homesick already.
God: I know what that feels like. I left behind my best friends of three years right when things started to get interesting.
Me: Sucks, doesn't it.
God: (smiles)
Me: But, if the money doesn't come in, I know that You will do all the same things (or different if that's what You want and I need), just with people I know and love already in a place I wouldn't mind staying. I know so much is going to happen that I'm really looking forward to. Getting an apartment, finishing school, working, hanging out more with my life group and allowing myself to be vulnerable with them and maybe actually deal with my loneliness in life group or one on one. But...
God: What are you thinking?
Me: Well, it sort of seems like if I stayed here, I'd just be settling for the good. All the things I listed off sounds exactly like my plans last January before I found out about England. I was settled with it, comfortable with my decision to finish school and go on to Biblical counseling, and work in a psych natured job to get an apartment and live like an adult. England came into the picture and it showed me that the career decision isn't as exciting as I wanted. I want the adventure of going off to new places and doing radical things for and with You. I would love to travel, see the world, have an adventure.
God: Wild woman, that you are!!
Me: I know, and I like it. But what if the adventure You have planned for me is to settle down, finish school, work, and get married (although that last one I wouldn't mind happening sooner than later).
God: Have patience.
Me: (sigh) I know.
God: It's true, the adventure I call many people to live is the one living a normal, daily life in an extrordinary, eternal way.
Me: Doesn't sound very exciting.
God: You read too many books sometimes.
Me: Yeah, I know. But it's my heart telling me that there must be more than settling down in a career and family. My heart is what is yearning for more. My head could care less, and probably prefers staying behind.
God: Yes, I put that longing for wild adventure in you, my Princess. It is a good thing, a Best thing, and something you must trust Me to fulfill. I know exactly what will fill that longing. Will you trust Me to work everything out for the Best?
Me: I know that if I tried to fill that longing on my own, it would come up short.
God: And I came so that you may have life, and have it to the full.
Me: I will trust You, Abba. I haven't even the foggiest idea of how to step out and look for adventure on my own.
God: (smiles) And that's why I had someone else tell you to go to England, wild girl.
Me: Yeah. I'm a rebel at heart. Give me the road less traveled. Or maybe I just can't stand the thought of missing out on the Best.
God: I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out--plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen. When you come looking for me, you'll find me. Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed.
Me: Thank You, Abba. But that still doesn't solve the problem of Sun..
God: Trust Me, Sara Beth! Let me have the worry.
Me: (sigh). I trust You, Lord. For You are faithful to all Your promises, and loving towards all You have made. I know that You will do what is Best for me.
God: I love you, dear heart!
Me: (smiles) I think I almost know that You do. Thank You for being so patient with me.
God: Anytime, seriously.

It all comes down to Sunday. Whether I'm going to England or staying home will be decided then. Because that's when I find out if the church will support me financially or not. If people don't respond to what Matt and I say on Sunday or to Jim's prayers for us, I will not be going to England. And I will be okay with it. I actually will have a peace about it, because I know that God will do what is best for my heart, and it may be that staying home is what my heart mosts needs at this time. However, the church body could respond enormously and generously to our need and I could have all the money come in before church is over. And I will be okay with it, and have a peace about going to England, because that will be what God thinks is Best for my heart. I'm actually more nervous about getting the money rather than not. I've been given permission almost by my friends to stay if I need to. And for the past few weeks, I've honestly not wanted to go to England because of what I'm leaving behind. But somehow, staying home feels a little like just settling for the Good instead of gaining the Best. It's not about England, it's about what is Best for my heart. I am hungry to know God more. I am hungry to know myself more. And I feel like Transit might be where this could all happen and more. England is just the setting. I've actually never really been excited about England, just Transit, or this transition period in my life. So I will hope that the Best will happen, and I will trust that God will make it happen, because He who promised is faithful.

Why don't I trust God? I love Him, and I know He loves me. My Abba has always been close to me, and I've always understood His love. But now I'm starting to realize that maybe I don't understand as much as I should. I sat chatting with Him the other day, trying to figure out this trust thing. I can't seem to grasp the idea that He wants what is best for me because He loves me. And a lot of it has to do with my dad. I know my dad loves me. He does little things like give me flowers when I'm sick and put gas in my car when I don't have the money to. He provides a lot for our family with his work. But I've never really respected what He does. I think it's because he tends to do things out of obligation and necessity rather than because he loves his family and wants to see us provided for. He's a man, a husband, a father, and working for a living to pay the bills and put food on the table is what he is supposed to do. It doesn't make me feel loved. Honestly, it's really easy for me to take advantage of my dad. I try not to, because I'm an eldest child and I understand that I have to be responsible and lighten the burden for my parents (it's a psych thing, birth order and all that, very interesting stuff!). But I went to their house on Saturday to check my email and had just been back from the gas station (where I only had $5 to put into my tank) and then the bank, where I was reminded that I'm overdrawn and couldn't cash the babysitting check I had received. Dad was in the driveway working on his truck and I let slip how I was frustrated at not having enough money to get gas, all the while knowing that he likes to fill my tank every so often. He came inside a little later to tell me that my tires need air and he'll go do it, and my car came back with a full tank. I drove away a little later wondering if I should have been out there looking at my car with him, to give him company, or if I should have insisted that I could put air in my tires later. That day I also brought my bed frame back to the downstairs room so he could finish sanding my upstairs bedroom floor, but because I won't need it for a few weeks I just left it disassembled. Yesterday I went back and the bed was put together and the room was somewhat cleaned up. Dad was in a cleaning mode, and I got a guilt trip. Everything is obligation. Nothing is done out of love. Or at least I don't feel it. I guess that's why I have such a hard time trusting God. For all the mission trips I've ever gone on where people have given me money, I've always been grateful for it, but not in the way that I should be. Everything that is given me is simply out of obligation, not because I deserve it, that's just the way Fathers give to their daughters. Someone gave me money last night for transit and my life group promised to meet the $100/month allowance that I need for the ten months I'm there. That's a total of $1210 that I don't have to worry about. I should be elated. But I'm simply passive. There was this one time I remember in Sunday school where John was having trouble making his school payments, and he needed $500 the next day to meet a deadline, and he didn't have any of it. That day in between services, someone randomly gave him a check for $500, and he was so happy that he was crying as he told us the story. I've never had that feeling. There's always been a little embarassment when I receive money from others. How I'm going to get up in front of the whole church next week with Matt and tell everyone that I need about $5500, I don't know. I'd like to picture myself sitting in my front row seat bawling my eyes out in shock and gratitude as I hold checks that have been given to me from my church body meeting the exact amount or more. But if that happened, I'd probably just push away the emotions like I always do and the moment for gratitude would be lost. I don't know how to receive with grace and gratitude. Yes, there's the element of my feeling unworthy to receive anything, but it's more than that. I haven't been in the practice of receiving. Maybe it's because I feel like I've never received anything, maybe it's because I keep myself out of situations where I would receive something. It's that whole thing about love that Thomas Merton talked about in his book No Man Is An Island. He said that for love to be given perfectly by a lover, the beloved must receive the love whole-heartedly, because she knows that it gives her lover joy and pleasure to see her receive his love. And because she loves him, she wants to give him love in return, and the best way to give love is to receive love. Both must be present for love to be perfect. I haven't been able to receive God's love for me, because I haven't understood that a Father can love His daughter without her feeling guilty that she didn't do something to deserve it.

Philippians 4:6-7
6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (NIV)

6Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. 7Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life. (MSG)

It's amazing how a conversation with Jim can completely change one's outlook. All that I've been feeling recently about England and friendships is not what I thought it was about. This isn't about trusting God to bring in the money; it's about trusting God to do the best thing for my heart. And it might be that the best thing for my heart is what I am learning before I go to England. So the outcome isn't going to England or not going to England, what God wants for me is to grow. It might be that I don't go to England (which would solve the problem of missing my friends, but Jim told me that I have a community waiting for me in England that God has planned for me if I go..trust, Sara!!). But I think I would be okay with it. It's God's plan, and my Abba only wants the best for His Princess. My heart's growth is more important that what I end up doing. The real battle is for my heart to trust. The money situation is just the scene of the battle. And this isn't the battle that decides whether I can trust God perfectly for the rest of my life or not, this is just another round in the battle for trust. The first round, or one of the first rounds, was four years ago when I was a senior in high school, worrying over what my life would be like after I graduated. I couldn't make it through one day without repeating Phil 4:6-7 to myself, just to calm myself down. Then, the battle was simply to plant the idea in my head that God could come through for me. Now, it's to plant it in my heart more deeply. Each battle, though it be for the same thing, roots it deeper and deeper into my heart. This time I need to present my requests to my Abba, and let it be. And although I've pestered Him too much about it lately, I think I need to go through the list again, kind of mark off each item I'm worried about and individually give each worry to Him. I've been avoiding Him like the plague, and that's probably why this house I'm in has seemed so lonely. He's been waiting there for me, and I've tried to fill up my mind with other things. But we had a chat yesterday at the flimsy excuse for a dinner table during dinner last night. It was nice. Although it felt a little weird drinking iced tea with an empty chair. One might think I've gone mental. It's probably just the opposite..I've finally become sane. And I do feel a sense of peace...not completely (I have yet to go through the list of worries), but there's a sense that it's all no longer chaos. I've got my feet planted on the truth of what this really is, and my sword is at the ready. This battle is going to be fought, not simply endured. I am Sara Beth, Princess of the house of God, shieldmaiden and warrior of Zion. I fight for truth. I fight for trust.

I don't know if I want to write this today. Some days I think it would be better to write down what I'm feeling in the privacy of my house, not at the library. Somehow I don't think a sobbing librarian would bring very good business. But I have nothing else to do at the moment, and I really want to get this down.
I don't even know where to begin. I've written it all down before, but it seems so piece meal and scattered, when in actuality it's all affecting me at the same time. Worry about my finances for everyday things. Frantic worry about getting the money in for England, even though I try to put on a brave face and tell people I've got faith that it will come in when in all actuality I'm scared stiff about it. Intense loneliness in this big empty house where I'm staying. Anxiety over losing friendships that have just begun to blossom and haven't really taken root yet, just as I transplant myself to another country. Feeling left out because those same friends will be starting things that will to grow closer together without me and I'll come back and be a tag-a-long all over again, the girl who's so desperate to have friends that she hangs around people she has nothing in common with just to make it look like she isn't lonely. But these friends are different than the ones I tagged behind in grade school so I wouldn't have the label of loner: I actually really, really want to have relationships with these wonderful people. But I'm so scared that they won't see me as anything more than a silent tag-a-long and wish I would just go away. These are the things I think about when I go to sleep, when I'm lying in bed before I get up in the morning, when I'm sitting alone in that hollow, empty house during the day, even when I'm with my friends. I want more than anything to feel God's peace, to know again that I'm loved and worth loving and that people want to know me and be known by me. All the things I learned on quest are slowly getting pushed away by the same fears and lies that have tormented me for years. It's all I can do sometimes to look the fears in the eye and speak the truth over myself. Start running the right direction again, and not let the lies grab me by the ankles and trip me up. My heart hurts so much. I need to know that God loves me and is there for me, protecting me from the arrows. It's so hard to see Him doing it. I want to, but I have this stubborn thing in me that needs to see it visibly, physically, audibly.
Last night at flood it was really hard to keep the tears contained. Then during worship Marissa Beal prayed over the kids as they start school. She prayed that God would give us peace as they face each new day, and that they would have friends to support them during this time. I broke down and sobbed in my nice, dark little corner, quietly of course, with my head down in my knees so no one would come and pray for me. I actually would have loved it if Marissa or Jim, or even Tim or Matt came and prayed for me, but I didn't want the girls to come. I don't know why. How could they understand it all. I shouldn't doubt them like that though. They don't need to know, just need to speak what God tells them, even if they don't understand how what they say could make a difference. I would love to have some peace, a deep reasurance that everything will be alright. Or a shoulder to cry on.

There is a difference, you know, between wishing and hoping. I do too much wishing, and not enough hoping. Wishing consists of daydreaming, fantasizing, and imagining what it would be like if what I wish for ever happened, but I never do anything about it. Wishing is easy; all I have to do is daydream. But most of the time wishes never come true. I don't have a fairy God-Father who answers the whim of a wish. But I do have a Holy Abba who loves me enough to add in a little risk to hoping. Hoping is living with the belief that what I hope for is going to happen. I actually need to take action towards that which I hope for, knowing the risks yet for the joy set before me will face the possibility of disapointment or rejection. Wishing is the easy alternative the enemy provides to keep us safe from risks, but also safe from taking hold of our inheritance.

What could I be hoping for? Love? too much risk...no man's ever showed an interest in me let alone loved me, why should I bare my heart and risk having the lies of my plainness and undesireableness be proven as truth? no, it's easier to daydream and imagine what it would be like if a man told me I was beautiful, desireable and that he loves me (although I'm getting tired of the hurt that it brings my heart when it doesn't come true). Friendship? I'm so afraid that going away will cause my friendships here to end, when I just found out for the first time that people actually want to be my friend. For God to come through with everything I need? that's the hardest one. It involves trust, and I so desperately want to trust God, to know that He has everything under control and will give me all the things He longs to give His princess. Why couldn't He provide $7,000 in less than two weeks, as well as money to buy food and gas and maybe even have something to tithe with? That's what will hurt the most this coming Sunday... I literally have no money to tithe. If I put in two pennies, will Jesus still find my gift acceptable? I want to trust Him with all my heart. I can almost feel it, the sense of relief that comes from laying it all down and giving all control over to the One who holds the universe in His scarred hand. I just can't let down that self-protective barrier yet. Oh, how I want to. How I need to. Will I ever be able to trust Him if He tells me that I have to be the first to say "I like you" to a guy I want to have a relationship with? Will I ever be able to trust Him if He tells me to give away my car instead of selling it? Will I ever be able to trust others enough to risk cry in front of them instead of setting my face like flint and trying to appear strong? I'm tired of crying alone.

I've been posting a lot lately. Maybe cause I'm simply bored to distraction...

Home, no, scratch that...my parent's house is a funny place, now that I'm out of it for a long time. The first time I come home to check my mail, and my mom is actually cordial, even friendly to me. I even got a smile out of her, a genuine, real smile..not just a "I want you to do something and you have to because I told you to" smile. and yes, she's asked me to do a lot of things when I'm home, but I'm willing to do it, because it's being helpful. She's had a lot of trouble with her left knee, and my sister just had surgery on her right knee, so between the two of them (dad's out of town at a work/school conference thing) little is getting done at home. So I've gladly carried down the garbage/recycling to the street and picked up the dog hair sticking to the chair legs and vacuumed the porch. and I actually got a grateful thank you for it. I almost don't know what to do with this new mom, and she's even been in pain lately and not been yelling. maybe cause my sister is in pain and my mom doesn't want to bother her. maybe it's cause I'm not there anymore. Which is a good thing, although I have to admit I've gone home (oops)...to my parents' house every day just for company. It gets a little lonely at the House when all there is to do is watch tv and there's nothing decent on. I wonder what would happen if I just sat in my chair and spent the time pondering. I like to ponder, but mostly as an excuse not to say anything when I'm with other people. Pondering on my own time isn't as enjoyable, cause there's no one to ask what I'm thinking about. And inevitably I just lasp into daydreaming, and that is just a complete waste of time. It's much easier to ponder at starbucks or in the woods, or when the kids I babysit are all quiet and asleep. I've always needed some background noise to really make my thoughts come out in utter genius. Even when I write my papers, I need music blaring in my headphones to have something to specific to block out, and then my best work is produced. If I tried to write all of this at home with no noise around at all, I wouldn't even get a sentence out, but these posts are usually done in the noise and distraction of the library as I'm jumping up and down to help patrons and answer the phone.

I love the idea of a blank piece of paper. Computer screen or parchment, it makes no difference. Just the idea that there's something clean, white, and new, waiting for me to artistically dirty it with swirls and lines that flow together to form letters, words and phrases that impart meaning and life for all to see. Maybe that's why my favorite art medium is pencil and charcoal, I can't get away from the simple beauty of black and white. [sigh] Sorry for the momentary literary episode. But I'm sitting here at the library typing this out waiting for something to happen because it's been really slow behind the desk and I'm bored and getting paid for it.

I've been fighting lies a lot the past few days. I think it all started Sunday afternoon and evening, when I realized that I won't be with my friends anymore. The same, ole, familiar lies of my worthlessness and aloneness have come back in full force, and there's no one in town to fight it with. Well, that's not true, there's just no one in town that I feel comfortable enough to tell so they could fight with me. All my heros and fellow fighters are out soul searching or on vacation or are too busy. So last night I had to fight it off myself. It was weird, I could almost just watch the transformation happen. I was sitting on my bed looking into the mirror to try and speak truth over myself, and it's like I switched from pre-quest plain-looking slouched-over lonely sara to post-Quest beautiful confident worth-loving Sara Beth in a matter of moments. The effect didn't stay for very long though, so I just decided to go to bed and deal with it the next day (although I've been too busy today to stop and think about it..even writing these two paragraphs has taken the past three hours in between helping patrons). I guess some things are just easier to hear from others than it is to try and tell yourself, which is why I've had a whole lifetime of darkness. For the first time in my twenty-one years of life (almost twenty-two now, that's a weird thought), I've been told I'm worth loving, I'm beautiful (I can now count on both hands the times a guy has called me pretty, beautiful, or nice looking-dad included), and that my heart and mind and self is needed. It's still such a novelty that it's not habit yet; believing in these things and hoping for it to be true is still a daily struggle. It makes me look forward to seeing my friends almost every day, and wish that I could have seen or talked with someone the days I don't...just so that I can get a grasp of another human being that I know thinks I'm important and worth loving and lovely.

I hadn't really thought about how much I'm going to miss my friends until last night. Jim started talking about what our life group is going to start doing in the month of September, and the whole time he was talking about this amazing, community building, life changing, intimate friendship creating idea, all I could think was "and I won't be here for it." Everyone will be building life-long relationships in this amazingly tight community without me. No biggie, it's not like I've ever had it before, so I won't miss it. It seems like that's all I'm fated to have--no close relationships, no life-long comrades for me, no best friend. I'm tired of buying into that cynical lie, but it feels like that's all that I'm slated for. I feel like just checking out, wean myself out of their lives so that this won't hurt so bad. I just met these people less than a year ago, and I just started opening up to them only two months ago after quest. But I still feel like I don't know them at all, and that I'm not all that important to them. I know, I know...I could be the one to make an effort and call people to hang out. But it's so intimidating to do, especially when I feel like I don't do anything but trip my way through an attempt at conversation; why should I initiate it when I'll just go through the whole thing wishing the ground would swallow me up or I could magically be given a ready wit and a gift for gab. I would love to be acknowledged by even just a phone call from someone wanting to hang out, or by a group of people going out for pizza and realizing that it would be so much fun if I was there. sounds a little self-righteous, but the alternative to daydreaming is instead believing that they don't call me so I must not be important. I wish I could pick my thoughts up out of this darkness and actually look at the possitive side of all this. I have had the amazing opportunity to know people and be known. I have at this moment more friends than I've had in my whole life combined. I have friends like Greg, Scott, and Josh who give great hugs every time they see me (and sometimes a girl just needs a guy hug). I have friends like Lauren and Caitlin who I can have fun with. I have friends like Amy who I can really talk with, about the deep heart issues as well as the surface ones that are vital to a woman's heart but that no one's ever cared to talk through with me before. I have friends like Jim who is always there to give advice and be an older brother who's promised to protect and fight for my heart and believes in the wild woman that God has created me to be. I have friends like Jason who sees me cowering in the corner and actually thinks I'm worth fighting for enough to come into the corner and pull me out, when no one else ever has before. I have friends. My Abba has been so, so very good to me as to give me friends, even if only for this short while. and He has seen that it will be good for me to leave them, for a time. So I can focus on how much it hurts to leave, or I can focus on the fact that my Abba knows what He's doing and trust that everything will turn out ok, if not better than it is now. But it is still such a fight to look at the possitive and be grateful instead of believing the cynical lies about myself. I've done that my whole life, it's hard to think that anyone would actually want me.

It's amazing how much God has blessed me with community. Four months ago I was lonely, unknown, and hating myself. Today, I have a family; non-traditional, but it's my family none the less. "God sets the lonely in families," Ps. 68:6. People know me and my struggles and want to fight for me and love on me despite them all. I know others' hearts and struggles and find myself not caring about my own but just want to make their struggles less of a burden. I have phone numbers in my cell that are people (my age!!) I actually want to call to hang out with, not just people who randomly call me to need something from me (like a ride to church or a babysitter). They're people I can call when I need to talk, when I need a reminder of God's truth, when I need a ride. They're people who can talk to me when they need a friend and a reminder of who they are in God's eyes and mine, and they're people I would love giving a ride to (cause it might actually be fun conversation on the way!).

This is why I need to go to England. Because of my family. Even though I just found them, just began to become really real with them. They need me, all of me. My personality, my love, my quirks, my heart, and my gifts: I am a passionate lover of God, I am passionate about prayer (although I think I need to come up with another name for it, because "chatting with God" is a little too long to describe what I really think prayer is), and God has given me the gift of discernment and the wisdom needed to bind up the broken hearts I "see" around me. I don't know the full extent of all these yet, but I know that God wants to teach me so much about being me this next year at Transit. I need to go away to find myself, so that I can be myself, be comfortable living from my whole heart. So even though I litterally don't have a dime to pay for this trip, I will not freak out, because this is something that God wants me to do, and that my community needs me to do. I leave so that I can grow in the gifts God has given me, so that when I come back I can impart them to my church, my community, my family. The money and the plane tickets are minor details, and my God can do anything. even get me the laptop I'm hoping someone will donate so that I can keep in constant contact with my family when I'm gone. and absence makes the heart grow fonder, at least for the person who leaves, but I've always wondered if those left behind just eventually forget and/or replace. I don't want to forget Andrew and Shayna, don't want to miss their place on the Bailey's porch. Will I be forgotten in a few months?

There is a question that is in the back of every woman's mind. It haunts us, a nagging drive towards knowing that plagues us from birth. It shows itself in our actions, our words, and our deeds, even if we can't recognize it or pen it to words. It's the question we were born to live out, the question that sin has made us forget.

Am I beautiful?

Not just by the look of my face, the form of my figure, or the way I wear my hair and clothes. Do I exemplify beauty in all that I say, do, and live out every moment? Can you look at me and honestly say that there is something there that makes you feel at peace, the way a beautiful sunrise or a mighty mountain can? Could a blind man see my beauty?

And why do I feel a sense of shame that I even have to ask? Why can't it be enough to just believe that Jesus finds me beautiful? "Listen, O daughter, consider and give ear: Forget your people and your father's house. The King is enthralled by [my] beauty; honor Him, for He is [my] Lord.." Ps. 45:11. Why do I need to audibly hear it, to physically feel a hug, to see the truth in the eyes of the one telling me I'm beautiful? Maybe it's because I've so rarely heard it, it's hard to believe it's true. You can't imagine something when there is nothing pre-existing to construe it from. Why Abba? Why has no one told me what I most long to and need to hear? Why can't I hear it from You, Jesus?

Pursued

It's an all consuming chase,
The passionate pursuit of one so enraptured
It captivates his every thought.
Heedless of the obstacles in his way
He tirelessly presses on,
Mindful only of that which consumes his heart.
Distance does not matter, nor does the
Seeming inevitability that his passion
Will never be returned with equal fervor.
Still he pursues.
And then-a glimpse, a glimer of
Visible hope:
That which he longs for with
Unbridled passion
Has heard, through the clamour of
Doubt and deceit,
The song of his death-defying love.

And I realize
He is passionately pursuing...me.


I wrote this almost a year and a half ago, before I believed any of it. It's just now starting to sink in that Jesus loves me like that.

I am

I AM BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I AM WORTH BEING PURSUED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I AM IMPORTANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I AM NOT FOOLISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I AM WORTH LOVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I AM A PRINCESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I AM A WOMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM LOVED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

princess of the house of God

Sara: princess
Beth: house of God

That is my name. That is who I am. I am a princess of the house of God. I have been chosen by God to be His daughter. I was not passed over. Jesus has opened the way to the Father where before I could never have come. This is truth-that I am loved by God, my Abba, and He calls me "Beloved Daughter". It's hard to believe; I've lived for so long under the lie that I'm little more than a servant, worth nothing. To think that now I am a princess of the house of God....hard to imagine. It's always been the easiest way to relate to God for me though. I don't really understand the Holy Spirit yet, and intimacy with Jesus is hard for me to grasp (He's workin on it), but I've always been able to worship and love my Abba. He's been there for me when my own parents weren't. He's been there when I've felt abandoned and passed over. He's even been there when I've hid myself in the corner and buried my head in my own hurt. And He won't let me stay that way anymore. He's gonna get on my case and fight me till I can grieve and hurt and become healed and whole; until all of my walls are down and my heart is freed. I just needed some good friends to remind me, and though they probably won't read this...thanks guys!!

Batter my heart, three-person'd God; for you
As yet but knock ; breathe, shine, and seek to mend ;
That I may rise, and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend
Your force, to break, blow, burn, and make me new.
I, like an usurp'd town, to another due,
Labour to admit you, but O, to no end.
Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captived, and proves weak or untrue.

Yet dearly I love you, and would be loved fain,
But am betroth'd unto your enemy ;
Divorce me, untie, or break that knot again,
Take me to you, imprison me, for I,
Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.

~John Donne, "Batter My Heart"

Wilt thou love God, as he thee? Then digest,
My soul, this wholesome meditation,
How God the Spirit, by angels waited on
In heaven, doth make his Temple in thy breast.
The Father having begot a Son most blest,
And still begetting, (for he ne'er be gone)
Hath deigned to choose thee by adoption,
Co-heir t' his glory, and Sabbath' endless rest.
And as a robbed man, which by search doth find
His stol'n stuff sold, must lose or buy 't again:
The Son of glory came down, and was slain,
Us whom he'd made, and Satan stol'n, to unbind.
'Twas much that man was made like God before,
But, that God should be made like man, much more.

~John Donne "Wilt Thou Love God, As He Thee?"

threesome

Someone asked me last week who I am when I'm by myself. I couldn't give him an answer. Not an honest one at least. It went along with the idea of filters that we had been talking about, how I live through different filters when I'm in certain situations. Instead of being truly me, I pretend to be this or that, mostly a quite, shy good little Christian girl. But that's not really me. The problem is, I haven't been me for so long I don't know who I am really anymore. I've boxed away me too long I've forgotten. Why would I do that?

I've been reading Sacred Romance by John Eldridge. The second half of the book talks about the concept of less wild lovers, things that we take on in life that replace the wildness of the passion of God for us. Usually, these lesser lovers come on the wings of lies, ones that have been told to us by the enemy to keep us from ourGod-given parts of the great story of history in the making. For me, the lies have been "I am unlovable" and "I am worthless". So naturally, there is no point in believing that anyone, even God, sees me as worthy of pursuit or of their love. The less wild lovers and smaller stories of fantacy, daydreams, and novels (only the good Christian ones, of course, where at least a chapter is devoted to a main character getting saved by Jesus) have replaced the larger dreams that any girl should have. Yes, it's good to dream about what kind of man I want for a husband, what it will be like to be loved; but the fantacies and daydreams of of what it would be like to have a hero come and rescue me or even loving me enough to ask me out have replaced the hopes I never had for any kind of love. It's not even all about romantic love; friendships, relationships, mentors, brothers and sisters in faith-all have been seen as unattainable, and so my imagination has tried to replace it. What I haven't known up till now, is that these things are attainable, but will only be so when I let go of the fantacies and the lies.

The idea of less wild lovers has been circling in my mind for the past week, but it wasn't until yesterday when the implications of all this dawned on me. I was listening to a song by the David Crowder Band, and there was this line that goes "It's just You and me here now, only You and me here now". Usually, to the heart of a Christian this would bring joy..who wouldn't want to be alone in the presence of their Lord and love? But I realized that I pictured myself alone with God...and was afraid. Needless to say, I got even more scared at the realization of it. Why would I be afraid to be alone with God? Aren't I alone with Him often? Just that morning, I spent two hours alone in the woods. Two hours! What was I doing if not spending it with God? But then it hit me, I'm rarely ever alone with God for a few moments. Picture it like going on a date. This guy is passionately in love with this girl. He'd do anything for her, and was already willing to think about marriage with her. But he never got any alone time with her. Even on the dates they had, she would bring along a couple of friends, or would bring work to the restaurant to do while they talked. Even if they were alone, most of the time she would either talk too much or compliment and thank him so much that he couldn't get a word in edgewise. That's what it's like with me and God. I can't be alone with Him. I keep bringing in these less wild lovers, spending the time He wants to be with me wondering what it would be like if so-and-so walked around the next bend in the trail, if a friend called and we chatted for a while..and only a few times thinking "oh, well I guess Jesus is here, I can talk with Him", but that only lasts for a couple of moments, long enough for me to say "hi, thank You for this beautiful day" before I realize He wants to talk to me and I shy away. What is it that I don't want to hear from God, that I hurt His heart so by bringing others and other things into our relationship, pushing Him away?

What if I lose my less wild lovers, and they were right all along...I won't have love/friendship/community here on earth? If I lay down my daydreams and fantacies, I'll have nothing even resembling those things. But it hurts so bad to realize that I've been a Christian for 13 years and if I died now, I would get to heaven saying "Lord, Lord" and He would have to say "I never knew you". I haven't let Him get close enough to know me. And I really don't know who He is. reading someone's biography doesn't tell you who he is, it's only by getting to know him. But I've kept Him at a distance, I've kept everyone at a distance, choosing less wild lovers instead of the real thing. I'm tired of it. I don't care how much it will hurt, tearing down these walls I have around my heart. I want to prioritize Jesus. I want to know Jesus. I want to really worship Jesus (not just sing along to worship songs). I want to love Jesus, with all that I am.

Hello, my name is Sara Beth, and I am an apathetic Christian. God help me.

trust

why is it so hard to trust God? He is all i need, for anything and everything. but this western modern world provides so many conveniences that say i don't need Him. i don't need to trust Him for my daily bread..i can just walk down the street to the store. my life isn't threatened daily...no need to trust Him to keep back the sword. why can't i trust Him? i don't even understand how important He is to my life. every moment i'm alive is because He is causing that to be. i just read a book by francine rivers called the warrior, and it's all about caleb and the israelites from egypt to the conquering of caanan. he had amazing trust in God. he almost didn't go a day without believing the Lord is God and the Lord will provide. the book shows his frustration with the people of Iserael, and how they trusted in themselves, in their skills (or lack thereof) to fight the caananites and claim the land the all mighty Lord said was already theirs. to trust God like that....simply, completely, wholly. i want a faith like that.

I went to the woods

I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practice resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms, and, if it proved to be mean, why then to get the whole and genuine meanness of it, and publish its meanness to the world; or if it were sublime, to know it by experience, and be able to give a true account of it in my next excursion.Henry David Thoreau

From Jesus

My beloved Sara Beth. You are worth more to Me than everything on this earth. It greives My heart to see you go through this pain. Do you think I enjoyed watching your heart take those hits? Every time you cried, I cried all the harder. The times you shut down, My heart raged at the things that would make you do so. And when you locked away your heart, I mourned the grief you would have to go through as I fought to get it back. Because I have been fighting for you. All these years that you've felt alone, abandoned, unwanted, and forgotten-I've been fighting. Regaining the trust you once showed Me as a little baby, wooing you into My embrace that I may give you the love and comfort you deserve. Do you know where I was all that time? I was right beside you, waiting for you to fall back onto Me, to come to Me that I could heal you and free you. You think it was hard not to feel My touch, not to hear My heartbeat as you were held safe in My arms? I was in greater agony than you can realize! How I long for the day when I can run to you with open arms and embrace you the way I've longed to since before the creation of the world! You are not forgotten, My little princess! You could never be abandoned, because My love for you is so infinite that nothing could keep Me away! Look to what you know your own heart to be. I created you in My image. That warrior heart of yours? Mine is infinitely more wild and mighty and ready for battle! I am fighting for your heart, My princess! And I will rescue you, you have My Word!!!!

my best friend

i was mad at God yesterday, i think for the first time in my life. how could He have let all the crap that has happened in my life happen to me? i've felt so abandoned by everyone in my life; why wasn't He there to protect me? is He good? is He a strong protector? is He an unmoveable Rock, the God of the Angel Armies? can i ever trust Him to be my protector? i'm so tired of protecting myself. i'm not very good at it. instead of protecting myself from the arrows, i've locked my heart away already wounded from the arrows of my childhood, allowing the wounds to fester and deaden my heart. but i don't know how to stop protecting myself and let Him do it. i don't want to face the hurt and the pain these arrows have given me. why become vulnerable and face the risk of letting more arrows hurt me, or let someone only drive the existing arrows further in? but i'm so tired of hurting. i'm so tired of crying. i'm so tired of being shut down and avoidant of all feelings. i'm tired of hiding my hurt and anger at God, at my parents, at people around me, simply glossing over my own feelings in order to maintain the "good Christian girl" look and keep everybody else happy.

but i hate being mad at God. it's like being mad at your best friend. i woke up yesterday, wanting to thank Him for the sunrise, but then remembered He let me be abandoned. i wanted to run to Him, ask Him to take this hurt away, but then i remembered He let it happen. i wanted to pray for my friends, but then i remembered that He didn't protect me, how could i believe enough to ask Him to protect others. i hated worship yesterday, because it was so good. i so longed to join in with my whole heart, but i couldn't-i was mad. it's like a part of me has been cut off, part of my heart has been ripped out. i can't exist without Him!! i need to be near to Him. it's amazing how much you realize that your whole existence revovles around someone when He's suddenly not there. i didn't realize how much i actually talk with Him, spend time with Him; little moments of the day where i used to just talk with Him, be with Him, just exist in His presence were now ruined. and i hate it. He's the only friend i've got.

hinting at the truth

If anyone I know ever reads this (which I doubt), this site might bring a few surprises. I've decided to be real and post about the things that are really going on in my heart and life. Most of these things no one knows about (sometimes not even myself). But bear with me....it comes out easier on the page than it does in person. Lord, give me the words of truth to write.