Here is a bit of home, the little bit of woods I have within walking distance to disappear in for a few moments as I walk to and from the boiler room every day. Was absolutely beautiful at the end of summer...very green and mysterious. Now I'm getting the wonderful array of colors that comes with fall, accompanied by the crunch of leaves under my feet. I love the fall. There is something intrinsically redeeming about it. The whole process of the leaves changing their color is not that they are losing their natural green tint, but they are shedding the sun-fed camoflauge of summer to reveal their true brilliance. Yes, they soon fall off and die, but only to allow the new leaves of the spring to emerge and bring a new beauty to the world.

prayer

what is it? I don't know exactly. some people could call it a psychic connection with a higher power, others could call it a back-up plan when you've really screwed it up. me, I like to think prayer is simply a simple way of ruining your life. see, a few weeks ago, I thought I knew everything about God. oh, not everything of course, but the few things I did know about Him I thought I had down pat. but then I prayed. and my whole world came crashing down. everything I thought I knew about anything became obsolete. God...realized I don't know Him at all. friends...I moved halfway across the world and left behind all those I could share my heart with. family...let's not go there. myself......honestly, that's the one thing that has stayed the same, and has even grown a bit. see, all those posts below this one are written by a girl who hated herself and was in the process of discovering what it is like to let herself be loved. now a woman sits here and finds that ironically the one thing that she knows she can hold onto is the truth that she is loved, that she is worth loving, and that she is beautiful. other than that, all else is mass confusion.

see, I thought I knew God, but something in me wanted to know more. foolishly, I prayed, and asked God to show me who He knows He really is. big mistake. all that I once held onto relating to the character of God was taken away, like a soft, comfortable carpet being ripped out from under my feet. my Abba, the One I ran to for comfort and love, was taken away by Someone who wants to be known as Daddy, and my damaged, human heart couldn't cope with that word. so it ran from it's "Security Blanket", only to realize that there was nothing else familiar to find comfort in. I was in a foreign land, with strange housemates, and little contact with all that I called 'home', and that restricted by my friend and mentor who discerned that though I had stepped off the plane a month previous, I still hadn't left Kansas City. When wanting to go back to my comfortable Abba, I discovered that it was wrong of me in the first place to suppose that I could box up God in a pretty package and only take Him out when I needed comfort or when I needed guidance or when I needed a friend. Yes, God is Abba, He is there when I need comfort and guidance and a friend. but that is not all that He is. He is more than that. And I'm only just beginning to discover how much more He is.

we had two days of training last week that were focused on the character of God. in one session, each of us were given a specific attribute of God to think about. I had "God is my defender". took a while to realize I needed someone to defend me...I would have rather taken the sword up and fight for myself than sit idly by with what seemed like a weak defence (I was told to hold up an umbrella while Sammie chucked paper wads at me...at first I wanted to pick up the broadsword that Jude had put up there, and then tried to swat at the paper using the umbrella as a bat, which without the option of swinging the sword was tons better than simply standing there holding an open umbrella against the pitiful onslaught).

but later on I realized that God is a strong God, that He is more than capable to defend me, and that He longs to be my Protector and my Shield. I had to get over the misconception that being a woman means being weak and that being weak is bad. it's not bad. it actually feels wonderful, knowing that there is Someone who loves me so much He's defending me from all of the arrows I can't fend off. He won't abandon me. He longs to parent me, in the way my parents should have. He chose me. He loves me. He made me just the way I am. I do not have to perform to be loved or needed; I am loved just for who I am, and people need me to simply be me. God is my Defender. and I think that is an aspect of God the Daddy that I need to relearn.

I think I like being a woman. there's something that feels...right, safe, whole in letting someone love me and defend me, even if I can't see Him or feel His touch. He asked me last night that if I could have anything at all by next year, what would I choose. I started asking for the typical things, like wisdom, knowledge of who He really is, a heart for justice...but my heart wasn't really in those things and I figured that He wanted to teach me all that this year anyway. what I really wanted to ask for was to have a relationship with a man, maybe even have a fiance or husband by next october; to know the feeling of being wholely cherished and loved by a man simply because I am me....but something in me knew I'm not quite ready for it yet. I still have trouble accepting love. Yes, I'm getting better at it, but something in my heart still blocks the truth from sinking deep down into the hurt places of my soul. It would be wrong to try and enter a relationship without being able to truly "love, and be loved in return". It wouldn't be fair to my man or to me. So I asked that God would take away the things that are blocking my heart from receiving love, and that He would take away the things that are blocking my heart from giving out love. I need to know the Love that surpasses all understanding. I want Him to be my first love, to have that sure and strong foundation before entering into a relationship of love with a man. I might have just negated any option of a date or a marriage for a few more years, but I think my future husband will agree that this needed to get done first. And I know that God has everything planned out just right in my fairy tale. I will continue to pray that God sends me my prince charming at just the right time, and if it is by this time next year, what a fun prophetic post this will be to look back on! in any case, I still trust in God. although all of my former ideas about Him are being shaken, yet will I trust in Him. Who else have I to go to? for there is none other that is higher than my God.

I'm 22 today. Don't all birthday posts start like that? I guess there's so much said in that one sentence that it's simply enough. 22 years. A miracle for some. A tough journey, an amazing story, a life-long testimony of God's grace and glory. I've come a long way in such a short amount of time. It's all God though. With a smattering of my free will mixed in, I guess.

Today is a bit mellow, though. Maybe even melencholy. My housemates surprised me with presents (even though it was all food items...love them tons!). But I'm missing home. I honestly feel like there's no one here who knows me enough to know what I would love to do for my birthday, and I don't know how to tell them I would rather just spend it alone. What is the deal with birthdays that people automatically assume that something special must be done on them, like having a party, or going out and doing something fun with everyone you know? I would like to spend time with my housemates today (might even go clubbing..wild woman that I am). But a big part of me would also love to spend today with my "family" at church, and because they're not here (or I'm not there), I'd just rather spend the day alone with my thoughts. Honestly, the day so far hasn't been that great. Got a letter in the mail from my parents, but it was only stuff from my student loan agency telling me I have to start paying off my loans next month. Not something I want to deal with on my birthday. Although I did get an email from my mom saying I have more money in the bank than I thought I did. Wonderful birthday conversation. I feel loved. (the absence of any emotion in these last two sentences should be noted, as well as a hint of sarcasm). So I'm not going to deal with any parent stuff at all today. Thankfully, they don't have my number (or the right one to call), and even if they did I wouldn't have to answer it.
But I do hope that my church family calls. I'll talk with the kids tonight (they're having a party, they just don't know it's for me. jk, rather cheeky of me), and I'll try calling my grandparents. But what I would adore is if my "family" called here. I love my housemates, but they don't really know me all that well yet, and so wouldn't know how to bless me in the way that I feel most loved. Not that my "family" does either, but they know me better and are closer to me than these guys here are yet. But that will change. Please, Lord, let it change.