Why don't I trust God? I love Him, and I know He loves me. My Abba has always been close to me, and I've always understood His love. But now I'm starting to realize that maybe I don't understand as much as I should. I sat chatting with Him the other day, trying to figure out this trust thing. I can't seem to grasp the idea that He wants what is best for me because He loves me. And a lot of it has to do with my dad. I know my dad loves me. He does little things like give me flowers when I'm sick and put gas in my car when I don't have the money to. He provides a lot for our family with his work. But I've never really respected what He does. I think it's because he tends to do things out of obligation and necessity rather than because he loves his family and wants to see us provided for. He's a man, a husband, a father, and working for a living to pay the bills and put food on the table is what he is supposed to do. It doesn't make me feel loved. Honestly, it's really easy for me to take advantage of my dad. I try not to, because I'm an eldest child and I understand that I have to be responsible and lighten the burden for my parents (it's a psych thing, birth order and all that, very interesting stuff!). But I went to their house on Saturday to check my email and had just been back from the gas station (where I only had $5 to put into my tank) and then the bank, where I was reminded that I'm overdrawn and couldn't cash the babysitting check I had received. Dad was in the driveway working on his truck and I let slip how I was frustrated at not having enough money to get gas, all the while knowing that he likes to fill my tank every so often. He came inside a little later to tell me that my tires need air and he'll go do it, and my car came back with a full tank. I drove away a little later wondering if I should have been out there looking at my car with him, to give him company, or if I should have insisted that I could put air in my tires later. That day I also brought my bed frame back to the downstairs room so he could finish sanding my upstairs bedroom floor, but because I won't need it for a few weeks I just left it disassembled. Yesterday I went back and the bed was put together and the room was somewhat cleaned up. Dad was in a cleaning mode, and I got a guilt trip. Everything is obligation. Nothing is done out of love. Or at least I don't feel it. I guess that's why I have such a hard time trusting God. For all the mission trips I've ever gone on where people have given me money, I've always been grateful for it, but not in the way that I should be. Everything that is given me is simply out of obligation, not because I deserve it, that's just the way Fathers give to their daughters. Someone gave me money last night for transit and my life group promised to meet the $100/month allowance that I need for the ten months I'm there. That's a total of $1210 that I don't have to worry about. I should be elated. But I'm simply passive. There was this one time I remember in Sunday school where John was having trouble making his school payments, and he needed $500 the next day to meet a deadline, and he didn't have any of it. That day in between services, someone randomly gave him a check for $500, and he was so happy that he was crying as he told us the story. I've never had that feeling. There's always been a little embarassment when I receive money from others. How I'm going to get up in front of the whole church next week with Matt and tell everyone that I need about $5500, I don't know. I'd like to picture myself sitting in my front row seat bawling my eyes out in shock and gratitude as I hold checks that have been given to me from my church body meeting the exact amount or more. But if that happened, I'd probably just push away the emotions like I always do and the moment for gratitude would be lost. I don't know how to receive with grace and gratitude. Yes, there's the element of my feeling unworthy to receive anything, but it's more than that. I haven't been in the practice of receiving. Maybe it's because I feel like I've never received anything, maybe it's because I keep myself out of situations where I would receive something. It's that whole thing about love that Thomas Merton talked about in his book No Man Is An Island. He said that for love to be given perfectly by a lover, the beloved must receive the love whole-heartedly, because she knows that it gives her lover joy and pleasure to see her receive his love. And because she loves him, she wants to give him love in return, and the best way to give love is to receive love. Both must be present for love to be perfect. I haven't been able to receive God's love for me, because I haven't understood that a Father can love His daughter without her feeling guilty that she didn't do something to deserve it.