threesome
Someone asked me last week who I am when I'm by myself. I couldn't give him an answer. Not an honest one at least. It went along with the idea of filters that we had been talking about, how I live through different filters when I'm in certain situations. Instead of being truly me, I pretend to be this or that, mostly a quite, shy good little Christian girl. But that's not really me. The problem is, I haven't been me for so long I don't know who I am really anymore. I've boxed away me too long I've forgotten. Why would I do that?
I've been reading Sacred Romance by John Eldridge. The second half of the book talks about the concept of less wild lovers, things that we take on in life that replace the wildness of the passion of God for us. Usually, these lesser lovers come on the wings of lies, ones that have been told to us by the enemy to keep us from ourGod-given parts of the great story of history in the making. For me, the lies have been "I am unlovable" and "I am worthless". So naturally, there is no point in believing that anyone, even God, sees me as worthy of pursuit or of their love. The less wild lovers and smaller stories of fantacy, daydreams, and novels (only the good Christian ones, of course, where at least a chapter is devoted to a main character getting saved by Jesus) have replaced the larger dreams that any girl should have. Yes, it's good to dream about what kind of man I want for a husband, what it will be like to be loved; but the fantacies and daydreams of of what it would be like to have a hero come and rescue me or even loving me enough to ask me out have replaced the hopes I never had for any kind of love. It's not even all about romantic love; friendships, relationships, mentors, brothers and sisters in faith-all have been seen as unattainable, and so my imagination has tried to replace it. What I haven't known up till now, is that these things are attainable, but will only be so when I let go of the fantacies and the lies.
The idea of less wild lovers has been circling in my mind for the past week, but it wasn't until yesterday when the implications of all this dawned on me. I was listening to a song by the David Crowder Band, and there was this line that goes "It's just You and me here now, only You and me here now". Usually, to the heart of a Christian this would bring joy..who wouldn't want to be alone in the presence of their Lord and love? But I realized that I pictured myself alone with God...and was afraid. Needless to say, I got even more scared at the realization of it. Why would I be afraid to be alone with God? Aren't I alone with Him often? Just that morning, I spent two hours alone in the woods. Two hours! What was I doing if not spending it with God? But then it hit me, I'm rarely ever alone with God for a few moments. Picture it like going on a date. This guy is passionately in love with this girl. He'd do anything for her, and was already willing to think about marriage with her. But he never got any alone time with her. Even on the dates they had, she would bring along a couple of friends, or would bring work to the restaurant to do while they talked. Even if they were alone, most of the time she would either talk too much or compliment and thank him so much that he couldn't get a word in edgewise. That's what it's like with me and God. I can't be alone with Him. I keep bringing in these less wild lovers, spending the time He wants to be with me wondering what it would be like if so-and-so walked around the next bend in the trail, if a friend called and we chatted for a while..and only a few times thinking "oh, well I guess Jesus is here, I can talk with Him", but that only lasts for a couple of moments, long enough for me to say "hi, thank You for this beautiful day" before I realize He wants to talk to me and I shy away. What is it that I don't want to hear from God, that I hurt His heart so by bringing others and other things into our relationship, pushing Him away?
What if I lose my less wild lovers, and they were right all along...I won't have love/friendship/community here on earth? If I lay down my daydreams and fantacies, I'll have nothing even resembling those things. But it hurts so bad to realize that I've been a Christian for 13 years and if I died now, I would get to heaven saying "Lord, Lord" and He would have to say "I never knew you". I haven't let Him get close enough to know me. And I really don't know who He is. reading someone's biography doesn't tell you who he is, it's only by getting to know him. But I've kept Him at a distance, I've kept everyone at a distance, choosing less wild lovers instead of the real thing. I'm tired of it. I don't care how much it will hurt, tearing down these walls I have around my heart. I want to prioritize Jesus. I want to know Jesus. I want to really worship Jesus (not just sing along to worship songs). I want to love Jesus, with all that I am.
Hello, my name is Sara Beth, and I am an apathetic Christian. God help me.
I've been reading Sacred Romance by John Eldridge. The second half of the book talks about the concept of less wild lovers, things that we take on in life that replace the wildness of the passion of God for us. Usually, these lesser lovers come on the wings of lies, ones that have been told to us by the enemy to keep us from ourGod-given parts of the great story of history in the making. For me, the lies have been "I am unlovable" and "I am worthless". So naturally, there is no point in believing that anyone, even God, sees me as worthy of pursuit or of their love. The less wild lovers and smaller stories of fantacy, daydreams, and novels (only the good Christian ones, of course, where at least a chapter is devoted to a main character getting saved by Jesus) have replaced the larger dreams that any girl should have. Yes, it's good to dream about what kind of man I want for a husband, what it will be like to be loved; but the fantacies and daydreams of of what it would be like to have a hero come and rescue me or even loving me enough to ask me out have replaced the hopes I never had for any kind of love. It's not even all about romantic love; friendships, relationships, mentors, brothers and sisters in faith-all have been seen as unattainable, and so my imagination has tried to replace it. What I haven't known up till now, is that these things are attainable, but will only be so when I let go of the fantacies and the lies.
The idea of less wild lovers has been circling in my mind for the past week, but it wasn't until yesterday when the implications of all this dawned on me. I was listening to a song by the David Crowder Band, and there was this line that goes "It's just You and me here now, only You and me here now". Usually, to the heart of a Christian this would bring joy..who wouldn't want to be alone in the presence of their Lord and love? But I realized that I pictured myself alone with God...and was afraid. Needless to say, I got even more scared at the realization of it. Why would I be afraid to be alone with God? Aren't I alone with Him often? Just that morning, I spent two hours alone in the woods. Two hours! What was I doing if not spending it with God? But then it hit me, I'm rarely ever alone with God for a few moments. Picture it like going on a date. This guy is passionately in love with this girl. He'd do anything for her, and was already willing to think about marriage with her. But he never got any alone time with her. Even on the dates they had, she would bring along a couple of friends, or would bring work to the restaurant to do while they talked. Even if they were alone, most of the time she would either talk too much or compliment and thank him so much that he couldn't get a word in edgewise. That's what it's like with me and God. I can't be alone with Him. I keep bringing in these less wild lovers, spending the time He wants to be with me wondering what it would be like if so-and-so walked around the next bend in the trail, if a friend called and we chatted for a while..and only a few times thinking "oh, well I guess Jesus is here, I can talk with Him", but that only lasts for a couple of moments, long enough for me to say "hi, thank You for this beautiful day" before I realize He wants to talk to me and I shy away. What is it that I don't want to hear from God, that I hurt His heart so by bringing others and other things into our relationship, pushing Him away?
What if I lose my less wild lovers, and they were right all along...I won't have love/friendship/community here on earth? If I lay down my daydreams and fantacies, I'll have nothing even resembling those things. But it hurts so bad to realize that I've been a Christian for 13 years and if I died now, I would get to heaven saying "Lord, Lord" and He would have to say "I never knew you". I haven't let Him get close enough to know me. And I really don't know who He is. reading someone's biography doesn't tell you who he is, it's only by getting to know him. But I've kept Him at a distance, I've kept everyone at a distance, choosing less wild lovers instead of the real thing. I'm tired of it. I don't care how much it will hurt, tearing down these walls I have around my heart. I want to prioritize Jesus. I want to know Jesus. I want to really worship Jesus (not just sing along to worship songs). I want to love Jesus, with all that I am.
Hello, my name is Sara Beth, and I am an apathetic Christian. God help me.
posted by Anonymous | 7:19 pm
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