What's the next step? Who do I feel called to be with? Where am I called? What am I called to do? stress, confusion, mayhem (ok, maybe not mayhem). but I'm tired of it Lord. It's been keeping me from thinking about things that I should really be focusing on. Like You. Like why I was confused by the speaker at the last training block. Like what am I going to take away from what I've learned today. I can't get my mind out of missing people, people back at home, who I'm aching to see again, people here, who I look at from across the room and with a small ache know that I will be so incredibly homesick for them in just a few months' time. I'm tired of worrying about work, school, boiler rooms, community, and where the heck am I going to live this summer. I want to stop that for a bit. can we focus on the bigger things, things like why the session on Your kingdom thouroughly confused me, and what am I taking away from this that I will be able to talk about to my kids back home at Flood. I want to take time to just think about what I believe about You, why I'm doing this whole Christian without religion thing, and how I want You to be the center, the focus, the reason behind and the driving force to all that I do in the future, tomorrow, in the next hour. Honestly, I just want to spend time with You. Can it be just You and me, here, now?

wow, has it really been that long since i've posted?! the funny thing is, it's now an almost completely different person that writes this post than the author of the previous blogs. it amazes me to read the posts of the last year and i wonder where that girl disappeared to. part of her was lost on an adventurous quest in alaska, the rest of her vanished in a thick english fog. now i sit at the computer in a freezing cold building on my own, wondering where life will take me next. should i stay? or should i go? and where do i mean when i say stay? stay in merry ole england-working at the reading boiler room, even if they didn't have a building, just to be with the people. or stay in kansas city, finishing that one last semester of uni, working, living with friends, bringing what i've learned to my community and hopefully changing the church's mind about social justice issues. it doesn't help that i want to do both, or that God's said He'd back me whatever route i choose. what i wish is that i could briefly go back home, if just for a few days, only to reaquaint myself with american culture, my hometown, my friends. most of my desire to stay here is because i've been here for so long. it feels like home, these people here are my family. what i have to realize is that it won't be the same if i came back. the same people won't be here, all my housemates would have gone home to nottingham, australia, germany, canada, and the other side of slough. three people i know from transit will actually still be in reading come the beginning of june. but why do i still want to come back? what is it that makes me afraid of getting off of that plane in june and meeting the people i've come to call family? it's change, i guess. the fear of walking into the unknown with the intent of setting up camp for a long time. stepping into the dark knowing that somewhere in front of you is a cliff and you have to trust your Protector and Provider to catch you and make the way straight for you. That is why i fear Kansas City. that's why i probably have to go back.