my best friend

i was mad at God yesterday, i think for the first time in my life. how could He have let all the crap that has happened in my life happen to me? i've felt so abandoned by everyone in my life; why wasn't He there to protect me? is He good? is He a strong protector? is He an unmoveable Rock, the God of the Angel Armies? can i ever trust Him to be my protector? i'm so tired of protecting myself. i'm not very good at it. instead of protecting myself from the arrows, i've locked my heart away already wounded from the arrows of my childhood, allowing the wounds to fester and deaden my heart. but i don't know how to stop protecting myself and let Him do it. i don't want to face the hurt and the pain these arrows have given me. why become vulnerable and face the risk of letting more arrows hurt me, or let someone only drive the existing arrows further in? but i'm so tired of hurting. i'm so tired of crying. i'm so tired of being shut down and avoidant of all feelings. i'm tired of hiding my hurt and anger at God, at my parents, at people around me, simply glossing over my own feelings in order to maintain the "good Christian girl" look and keep everybody else happy.

but i hate being mad at God. it's like being mad at your best friend. i woke up yesterday, wanting to thank Him for the sunrise, but then remembered He let me be abandoned. i wanted to run to Him, ask Him to take this hurt away, but then i remembered He let it happen. i wanted to pray for my friends, but then i remembered that He didn't protect me, how could i believe enough to ask Him to protect others. i hated worship yesterday, because it was so good. i so longed to join in with my whole heart, but i couldn't-i was mad. it's like a part of me has been cut off, part of my heart has been ripped out. i can't exist without Him!! i need to be near to Him. it's amazing how much you realize that your whole existence revovles around someone when He's suddenly not there. i didn't realize how much i actually talk with Him, spend time with Him; little moments of the day where i used to just talk with Him, be with Him, just exist in His presence were now ruined. and i hate it. He's the only friend i've got.