I don't know if I want to write this today. Some days I think it would be better to write down what I'm feeling in the privacy of my house, not at the library. Somehow I don't think a sobbing librarian would bring very good business. But I have nothing else to do at the moment, and I really want to get this down.
I don't even know where to begin. I've written it all down before, but it seems so piece meal and scattered, when in actuality it's all affecting me at the same time. Worry about my finances for everyday things. Frantic worry about getting the money in for England, even though I try to put on a brave face and tell people I've got faith that it will come in when in all actuality I'm scared stiff about it. Intense loneliness in this big empty house where I'm staying. Anxiety over losing friendships that have just begun to blossom and haven't really taken root yet, just as I transplant myself to another country. Feeling left out because those same friends will be starting things that will to grow closer together without me and I'll come back and be a tag-a-long all over again, the girl who's so desperate to have friends that she hangs around people she has nothing in common with just to make it look like she isn't lonely. But these friends are different than the ones I tagged behind in grade school so I wouldn't have the label of loner: I actually really, really want to have relationships with these wonderful people. But I'm so scared that they won't see me as anything more than a silent tag-a-long and wish I would just go away. These are the things I think about when I go to sleep, when I'm lying in bed before I get up in the morning, when I'm sitting alone in that hollow, empty house during the day, even when I'm with my friends. I want more than anything to feel God's peace, to know again that I'm loved and worth loving and that people want to know me and be known by me. All the things I learned on quest are slowly getting pushed away by the same fears and lies that have tormented me for years. It's all I can do sometimes to look the fears in the eye and speak the truth over myself. Start running the right direction again, and not let the lies grab me by the ankles and trip me up. My heart hurts so much. I need to know that God loves me and is there for me, protecting me from the arrows. It's so hard to see Him doing it. I want to, but I have this stubborn thing in me that needs to see it visibly, physically, audibly.
Last night at flood it was really hard to keep the tears contained. Then during worship Marissa Beal prayed over the kids as they start school. She prayed that God would give us peace as they face each new day, and that they would have friends to support them during this time. I broke down and sobbed in my nice, dark little corner, quietly of course, with my head down in my knees so no one would come and pray for me. I actually would have loved it if Marissa or Jim, or even Tim or Matt came and prayed for me, but I didn't want the girls to come. I don't know why. How could they understand it all. I shouldn't doubt them like that though. They don't need to know, just need to speak what God tells them, even if they don't understand how what they say could make a difference. I would love to have some peace, a deep reasurance that everything will be alright. Or a shoulder to cry on.