Ok, so last night was a bloody battle for my heart. I was trying to decide whether or not to go to this 70s/80s dance thing at church when one of my girls called and asked for a ride to it, which finalized my decision to go. So I get all dressed up for it in what I hoped looked 80s (I was seven when the decade ended, and very sheltered. I was surprised to even recognize some of the songs they played) and went hoping to be the cinderella of the ball. It worked last week. A different one of my girls had a birthday ball and I wore the same dress and they all flipped out on how "hot" I looked (when I would have just settled for "pretty") and couldn't stop complimenting me on it. It felt great. I felt great. I looked great. So I naturally thought that even though I didn't expect anyone to lavish praise on me (they'd all seen me in the dress already) I would feel great this week, "pretty, oh so pretty" as Liza Doolittle sang. So I get there with my hair done to the side in an 80s style (?), and with a blazer over my dress, and the girl I hold as having the most fashion sense in the world (ok, maybe just in my world), gives me the usual hug and says "oh, you look....nice." Didn't sound very thrilled. Which made me deflate a whole bunch. So I went through the rest of the night second guessing how I looked, and by the time I saw that the only people there were either 5-10 years younger or 5-10 years older than me and I barely knew any of them, the night just sucked. No one noticed me, no one talked with me, no one cared enough to force me to dance with everyone else, and no one noticed when I went outside and hid for an hour and a half. And I couldn't leave and end the misery to find comfort at the house or at starbucks, I had to bring Robbin home, and she was having such a good time I didn't want to take her home early. So I hid up in the youth balcony, and outside on the picnic table, and in my car. But it was one of those freak-out hidings. Some guys came out to their cars to leave, and I hunkered down in my car whispering "please don't let them see me!". I started the night out feeling beautiful and excited to be with my friends; I ended the night feeling ugly and so very out of place.
So on top of the continual battle for trust and the moment by moment surrender of my England fears, I went home last night and lay in bed fighting the lies of my plainness and undesireableness, and fighting to trust for my everyday expenses (the party took the last of my cash, and I have to keep telling myself it was for a good cause or else I'll call it just a waste). I felt so overwhelmed at the onslaught that all I could do was cry out for help. And I felt Jesus there. My mind was still frightened and panicked, but just knowing He was there eased my heart a bit. I'm so tired of fighting the same exact battle for my beauty. This will probably be something I need to talk out with others in Transit (if I go, or with my life group here if I don't). Right now the pivotal battle is for trust, but the enemy keeps attacking me from other angles to try and overwhelm me. The attack against my beauty. The attack from my family. The continual battle about my personal finances.

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Ephesians 6:10-14.

I am going to stand firm. No matter what the enemy lashes at me, I will stand. I may not be able fight back, but standing firm is, in a way, fighting. It's fighting to believe that the Rock on which I stand will not be moved. It's fighting to believe that my King is a warrior who is fighting for my heart. It's fighting to not give in to the lies that have crippled me in the past and threaten to again. I will not be crippled again. I will put on the truth of who I am and who He is to hold me up. I will protect my heart with righteousness-it was said that Abraham believed that God was faithful to be true to His promises and it was credited to Abraham as righteousness...I'm gonna trust, and hopefully that's the same thing. I will be ready with the peace that comes with trusting His goodness. My shield of faith is small, but growing, and I know my Savior, my Redeemer is there for me, and He's been reminding me of the truth of His Word almost every day. I am going to stand firm.

I think I'm winning.