There is a difference, you know, between wishing and hoping. I do too much wishing, and not enough hoping. Wishing consists of daydreaming, fantasizing, and imagining what it would be like if what I wish for ever happened, but I never do anything about it. Wishing is easy; all I have to do is daydream. But most of the time wishes never come true. I don't have a fairy God-Father who answers the whim of a wish. But I do have a Holy Abba who loves me enough to add in a little risk to hoping. Hoping is living with the belief that what I hope for is going to happen. I actually need to take action towards that which I hope for, knowing the risks yet for the joy set before me will face the possibility of disapointment or rejection. Wishing is the easy alternative the enemy provides to keep us safe from risks, but also safe from taking hold of our inheritance.

What could I be hoping for? Love? too much risk...no man's ever showed an interest in me let alone loved me, why should I bare my heart and risk having the lies of my plainness and undesireableness be proven as truth? no, it's easier to daydream and imagine what it would be like if a man told me I was beautiful, desireable and that he loves me (although I'm getting tired of the hurt that it brings my heart when it doesn't come true). Friendship? I'm so afraid that going away will cause my friendships here to end, when I just found out for the first time that people actually want to be my friend. For God to come through with everything I need? that's the hardest one. It involves trust, and I so desperately want to trust God, to know that He has everything under control and will give me all the things He longs to give His princess. Why couldn't He provide $7,000 in less than two weeks, as well as money to buy food and gas and maybe even have something to tithe with? That's what will hurt the most this coming Sunday... I literally have no money to tithe. If I put in two pennies, will Jesus still find my gift acceptable? I want to trust Him with all my heart. I can almost feel it, the sense of relief that comes from laying it all down and giving all control over to the One who holds the universe in His scarred hand. I just can't let down that self-protective barrier yet. Oh, how I want to. How I need to. Will I ever be able to trust Him if He tells me that I have to be the first to say "I like you" to a guy I want to have a relationship with? Will I ever be able to trust Him if He tells me to give away my car instead of selling it? Will I ever be able to trust others enough to risk cry in front of them instead of setting my face like flint and trying to appear strong? I'm tired of crying alone.