princess of the house of God

Sara: princess
Beth: house of God

That is my name. That is who I am. I am a princess of the house of God. I have been chosen by God to be His daughter. I was not passed over. Jesus has opened the way to the Father where before I could never have come. This is truth-that I am loved by God, my Abba, and He calls me "Beloved Daughter". It's hard to believe; I've lived for so long under the lie that I'm little more than a servant, worth nothing. To think that now I am a princess of the house of God....hard to imagine. It's always been the easiest way to relate to God for me though. I don't really understand the Holy Spirit yet, and intimacy with Jesus is hard for me to grasp (He's workin on it), but I've always been able to worship and love my Abba. He's been there for me when my own parents weren't. He's been there when I've felt abandoned and passed over. He's even been there when I've hid myself in the corner and buried my head in my own hurt. And He won't let me stay that way anymore. He's gonna get on my case and fight me till I can grieve and hurt and become healed and whole; until all of my walls are down and my heart is freed. I just needed some good friends to remind me, and though they probably won't read this...thanks guys!!

Batter my heart, three-person'd God; for you
As yet but knock ; breathe, shine, and seek to mend ;
That I may rise, and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend
Your force, to break, blow, burn, and make me new.
I, like an usurp'd town, to another due,
Labour to admit you, but O, to no end.
Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captived, and proves weak or untrue.

Yet dearly I love you, and would be loved fain,
But am betroth'd unto your enemy ;
Divorce me, untie, or break that knot again,
Take me to you, imprison me, for I,
Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.

~John Donne, "Batter My Heart"

Wilt thou love God, as he thee? Then digest,
My soul, this wholesome meditation,
How God the Spirit, by angels waited on
In heaven, doth make his Temple in thy breast.
The Father having begot a Son most blest,
And still begetting, (for he ne'er be gone)
Hath deigned to choose thee by adoption,
Co-heir t' his glory, and Sabbath' endless rest.
And as a robbed man, which by search doth find
His stol'n stuff sold, must lose or buy 't again:
The Son of glory came down, and was slain,
Us whom he'd made, and Satan stol'n, to unbind.
'Twas much that man was made like God before,
But, that God should be made like man, much more.

~John Donne "Wilt Thou Love God, As He Thee?"

threesome

Someone asked me last week who I am when I'm by myself. I couldn't give him an answer. Not an honest one at least. It went along with the idea of filters that we had been talking about, how I live through different filters when I'm in certain situations. Instead of being truly me, I pretend to be this or that, mostly a quite, shy good little Christian girl. But that's not really me. The problem is, I haven't been me for so long I don't know who I am really anymore. I've boxed away me too long I've forgotten. Why would I do that?

I've been reading Sacred Romance by John Eldridge. The second half of the book talks about the concept of less wild lovers, things that we take on in life that replace the wildness of the passion of God for us. Usually, these lesser lovers come on the wings of lies, ones that have been told to us by the enemy to keep us from ourGod-given parts of the great story of history in the making. For me, the lies have been "I am unlovable" and "I am worthless". So naturally, there is no point in believing that anyone, even God, sees me as worthy of pursuit or of their love. The less wild lovers and smaller stories of fantacy, daydreams, and novels (only the good Christian ones, of course, where at least a chapter is devoted to a main character getting saved by Jesus) have replaced the larger dreams that any girl should have. Yes, it's good to dream about what kind of man I want for a husband, what it will be like to be loved; but the fantacies and daydreams of of what it would be like to have a hero come and rescue me or even loving me enough to ask me out have replaced the hopes I never had for any kind of love. It's not even all about romantic love; friendships, relationships, mentors, brothers and sisters in faith-all have been seen as unattainable, and so my imagination has tried to replace it. What I haven't known up till now, is that these things are attainable, but will only be so when I let go of the fantacies and the lies.

The idea of less wild lovers has been circling in my mind for the past week, but it wasn't until yesterday when the implications of all this dawned on me. I was listening to a song by the David Crowder Band, and there was this line that goes "It's just You and me here now, only You and me here now". Usually, to the heart of a Christian this would bring joy..who wouldn't want to be alone in the presence of their Lord and love? But I realized that I pictured myself alone with God...and was afraid. Needless to say, I got even more scared at the realization of it. Why would I be afraid to be alone with God? Aren't I alone with Him often? Just that morning, I spent two hours alone in the woods. Two hours! What was I doing if not spending it with God? But then it hit me, I'm rarely ever alone with God for a few moments. Picture it like going on a date. This guy is passionately in love with this girl. He'd do anything for her, and was already willing to think about marriage with her. But he never got any alone time with her. Even on the dates they had, she would bring along a couple of friends, or would bring work to the restaurant to do while they talked. Even if they were alone, most of the time she would either talk too much or compliment and thank him so much that he couldn't get a word in edgewise. That's what it's like with me and God. I can't be alone with Him. I keep bringing in these less wild lovers, spending the time He wants to be with me wondering what it would be like if so-and-so walked around the next bend in the trail, if a friend called and we chatted for a while..and only a few times thinking "oh, well I guess Jesus is here, I can talk with Him", but that only lasts for a couple of moments, long enough for me to say "hi, thank You for this beautiful day" before I realize He wants to talk to me and I shy away. What is it that I don't want to hear from God, that I hurt His heart so by bringing others and other things into our relationship, pushing Him away?

What if I lose my less wild lovers, and they were right all along...I won't have love/friendship/community here on earth? If I lay down my daydreams and fantacies, I'll have nothing even resembling those things. But it hurts so bad to realize that I've been a Christian for 13 years and if I died now, I would get to heaven saying "Lord, Lord" and He would have to say "I never knew you". I haven't let Him get close enough to know me. And I really don't know who He is. reading someone's biography doesn't tell you who he is, it's only by getting to know him. But I've kept Him at a distance, I've kept everyone at a distance, choosing less wild lovers instead of the real thing. I'm tired of it. I don't care how much it will hurt, tearing down these walls I have around my heart. I want to prioritize Jesus. I want to know Jesus. I want to really worship Jesus (not just sing along to worship songs). I want to love Jesus, with all that I am.

Hello, my name is Sara Beth, and I am an apathetic Christian. God help me.

trust

why is it so hard to trust God? He is all i need, for anything and everything. but this western modern world provides so many conveniences that say i don't need Him. i don't need to trust Him for my daily bread..i can just walk down the street to the store. my life isn't threatened daily...no need to trust Him to keep back the sword. why can't i trust Him? i don't even understand how important He is to my life. every moment i'm alive is because He is causing that to be. i just read a book by francine rivers called the warrior, and it's all about caleb and the israelites from egypt to the conquering of caanan. he had amazing trust in God. he almost didn't go a day without believing the Lord is God and the Lord will provide. the book shows his frustration with the people of Iserael, and how they trusted in themselves, in their skills (or lack thereof) to fight the caananites and claim the land the all mighty Lord said was already theirs. to trust God like that....simply, completely, wholly. i want a faith like that.

I went to the woods

I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practice resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms, and, if it proved to be mean, why then to get the whole and genuine meanness of it, and publish its meanness to the world; or if it were sublime, to know it by experience, and be able to give a true account of it in my next excursion.Henry David Thoreau

From Jesus

My beloved Sara Beth. You are worth more to Me than everything on this earth. It greives My heart to see you go through this pain. Do you think I enjoyed watching your heart take those hits? Every time you cried, I cried all the harder. The times you shut down, My heart raged at the things that would make you do so. And when you locked away your heart, I mourned the grief you would have to go through as I fought to get it back. Because I have been fighting for you. All these years that you've felt alone, abandoned, unwanted, and forgotten-I've been fighting. Regaining the trust you once showed Me as a little baby, wooing you into My embrace that I may give you the love and comfort you deserve. Do you know where I was all that time? I was right beside you, waiting for you to fall back onto Me, to come to Me that I could heal you and free you. You think it was hard not to feel My touch, not to hear My heartbeat as you were held safe in My arms? I was in greater agony than you can realize! How I long for the day when I can run to you with open arms and embrace you the way I've longed to since before the creation of the world! You are not forgotten, My little princess! You could never be abandoned, because My love for you is so infinite that nothing could keep Me away! Look to what you know your own heart to be. I created you in My image. That warrior heart of yours? Mine is infinitely more wild and mighty and ready for battle! I am fighting for your heart, My princess! And I will rescue you, you have My Word!!!!

my best friend

i was mad at God yesterday, i think for the first time in my life. how could He have let all the crap that has happened in my life happen to me? i've felt so abandoned by everyone in my life; why wasn't He there to protect me? is He good? is He a strong protector? is He an unmoveable Rock, the God of the Angel Armies? can i ever trust Him to be my protector? i'm so tired of protecting myself. i'm not very good at it. instead of protecting myself from the arrows, i've locked my heart away already wounded from the arrows of my childhood, allowing the wounds to fester and deaden my heart. but i don't know how to stop protecting myself and let Him do it. i don't want to face the hurt and the pain these arrows have given me. why become vulnerable and face the risk of letting more arrows hurt me, or let someone only drive the existing arrows further in? but i'm so tired of hurting. i'm so tired of crying. i'm so tired of being shut down and avoidant of all feelings. i'm tired of hiding my hurt and anger at God, at my parents, at people around me, simply glossing over my own feelings in order to maintain the "good Christian girl" look and keep everybody else happy.

but i hate being mad at God. it's like being mad at your best friend. i woke up yesterday, wanting to thank Him for the sunrise, but then remembered He let me be abandoned. i wanted to run to Him, ask Him to take this hurt away, but then i remembered He let it happen. i wanted to pray for my friends, but then i remembered that He didn't protect me, how could i believe enough to ask Him to protect others. i hated worship yesterday, because it was so good. i so longed to join in with my whole heart, but i couldn't-i was mad. it's like a part of me has been cut off, part of my heart has been ripped out. i can't exist without Him!! i need to be near to Him. it's amazing how much you realize that your whole existence revovles around someone when He's suddenly not there. i didn't realize how much i actually talk with Him, spend time with Him; little moments of the day where i used to just talk with Him, be with Him, just exist in His presence were now ruined. and i hate it. He's the only friend i've got.